It is not without some trepidation that I begin a blog with this sort of awfulness, but one could say that I love you anonymous (or non-anonymous, as the case may be) readers, for reading this. And, to quote a certain saying, you always hurt the ones you love...
I am not going to pretend to provide an exhaustive overview of actors attempting singing careers in this space. Even in the 80s, it was nothing new -- "have successful screen career, will attempt to become multi-hyphenate via vanity project" was the rule for the glorious trajectory attempted by such luminaries as William Shatner ("Picture yourself! In a boat! On a river!"), Leonard Nimoy (best known, musically speaking, for his Tolkien tribute, The Ballad of Bilbo Baggins), and Richard Harris ("MacArthur Park," source of some of the most blatantly LSD-induced lyrics -- at least I hope that's the explanation -- ever penned).
Yet the 80s, on an admittedly cursory examination (should anyone actually read this, corrections are more than welcome), proved to be something of a heyday for this phenomenon. Eddie Murphy (the inane Rick James team-up "Party All The Time," in which Murphy, in falsetto, sings ad nauseum about "his girl's" desire to "party all the time, party all the time, party all the tiiiiiiime"), Miami Vice star Don Johnson ("Heartbeat"), and Bruce Willis ("Respect Yourself," featuring the Pointer Sisters) all somehow had singles crack the Top 5.
Of course, there were those who did not exactly achieve the same success. Johnson's Vice costar, Philip Michael Thomas, attempted to one-up Johnson with his own album. The results, as seen in this video for his song, "Just The Way I Planned It," were not quite as impressive:
Whereas Johnson's video had some semblance of production values, Thomas' is forced to make do with the potent combination of its star's arrythmic jerking and histrionic hand writhing, disinterested backup singers/dancers, Thomas' creepily distorted head, floating about via the magic of video effects, and an inexplicable combination of floating-eye and pyramid imagery, reflecting either the brazen cash-grab nature of the endeavor, or ties to a Freemason/Illuminati conspiracy.
Somehow, Thomas managed to record a second album, which performed even worse; he could at least have the consolation of knowing that Johnson’s second album also flopped. The same can be said of Murphy and Willis (though Murphy’s second can also be given credit for providing the world with his ... unique Michael Jackson collaboration, “Whatzupwitu.”
Today, actors seeking singing careers are not exactly unheard of, but with rare exceptions (Jamie Foxx comes foremost to mind), such efforts seem confined to Disney Channel actresses and their peers (who seek dual careers from the outset), and to deliberately campy efforts such as those of David Hasselhoff (I have no idea as to the intent – or, possibly, substance abuse – behind his “Hooked On A Feeling” video, which has deservingly achieved Internet immortality, but his more recent “Jump In My Car” video is most certainly not meant to be taken seriously). That said, there’s always the possibility of a comeback of sorts – Shatner’s 2004 effort, Has Been, earned genuinely positive reviews; meanwhile, a dance remix of “Party All The Time” became a top 10 hit in the UK last year, complete with a video featuring Murphy and James look-alikes.
Thankfully, though, the thought of the likes of Nicolas Cage recording an album remains comfortingly removed from reality.
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